


Badlands

by JayFray2911



Series: The Soundtrack of Our Lives [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bromance, Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-14
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-05-06 15:40:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 21,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5422628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayFray2911/pseuds/JayFray2911
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your past is not your past if it still has an impact on your future.<br/>Your past is definitely not your past if it walks off an elevator and turns out to be your new squad's ADA.</p><p>River Donaldson has returned to New York after living in Boston for a few years.  All she wants is a fresh start, but when she comes face to face with the part of her life that she not-so-affectionately refers to as the "Badlands", she'll have to find a way to peacefully co-exist with the part of her life she'd rather forget.</p><p>And, of course, Carisi is enjoying the show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Castle

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at an SVU story. It is the result of many a SVU marathon as well as a few too many spins of Halsey's 'Badlands'. 
> 
> The rape/non-con tag is purely become it is SVU and some cases will be discussed. Not sure if I'm going to use any of the cases from the season, but I'll note any spoilers beforehand.
> 
> I do not own any of Halsey's lyrics nor any of the SVU detectives. I only own the Donaldson family.

_I'm headed straight for the castle_  
_They wanna make me their queen_  
_And there's an old man sitting on the throne that's_  
_Saying that I probably shouldn't be so mean_  
_I'm headed straight for the castle_  
_They've got the kingdom locked up_  
_And there's an old man sitting on the throne that's_  
_Saying I should probably keep my pretty mouth shut_

* * *

  
 River Donaldson smiled and nodded in acknowledgement as Lieutenant Benson introduced her to all of the SVU detectives, "Donaldson just moved here from Boston. Carisi, she'll be partnering with you until Rollins returns from maternity leave."

  
"No problem." Carisi stood from where he was leaning on his desk, "I'll make sure to show the newbie the ropes."

River cleared her throat, "This newbie has been an SVU detective for quite some time and, while I've called Boston home for the past four years, I'm a Brooklyn girl--born and raised. I got my start in Brooklyn's SVU and worked there until I moved to Boston. So, I pretty much know how you guys operate. New parts. Same machine," she grinned at the other detective, "But, if I have any questions, I'll let you know."

Fin chuckled, "Liv, I like her already. Can we keep her?"

"Maybe." Olivia answered, "There's still a spot open after Rollins returns so Donaldson, show us what you got."

"Gladly," she took a seat at the desk Benson had told her that she would be calling home, "By the way, please call me River. Donaldson is such a mouthful."

"Will do," Olivia answered as she nodded.

"Hey!" Carisi exclaimed, "How come everyone quickly agrees to calling her River but no one took me up on calling me Sonny?"

River laughed, "There are about five different ways that I want to answer that, but, instead, I'll make you a deal. Call me River and I'll call you Sonny. What do you say, partner," she asked as she stuck out her hand.

Carisi shook it, "Deal."

River turned back to Olivia, "My sister is an ADA over in Brooklyn. We're having dinner tonight to talk about my first day here. I know I probably won't meet him or her today, but I know sis is gonna ask so who exactly is our ADA?"

"Our ADA is--," Carisi began to answer when a voice interrupted his sentence.

"I'm going to stop you right now lest you say something about me that you shouldn't," Barba interjected.

Liv didn't give her Carisi a chance to respond, "Barba, this is our new detective, Ri--"

"River Donaldson," Barba finished as he turned directly towards where River was seated.

Liv cocked an eyebrow, "You two know each?"

River leaned back in her chair, "My sister went to law school with him and they both worked as ADAs in Brooklyn. Although, you were doing narcotics cases last time I saw you. Finally figure out that SVU detectives are more fun than the junkie patrol?"

"Something like that," he answered dryly, "Five years can change a lot."

"Four and a half, but who's counting," she winked, "It's good to finally be back home. I've missed Andrea and Mom."

"Well, I'm sure you'll be a good addition here while Rollins is away," he said before he addressed Benson, "Liv, I need to talk to you and Dodds in your office."

"Okay," she answered as she and Dodds headed to her office with Barba in tow. After the door shut, Carisi spoke.

"Something tells me there's more to that story other than he went to school and worked with your sister."

River rolled her eyes, "Are you basing this on his less than friendly response to my presence?" She shook her head causing the curls in her afro to bounce around and batted her eyelashes, "Don't you know, Sonny, most men are left virtually speechless when they come into contact with a Queen." Her new partner laughed and she said, "I'm going to grab something out of the vending machine. I didn't get up early enough to eat breakfast."

Sonny noticed she was heading towards the elevators instead of the vending machine and muttered to himself, "Definitely more to that story."

* * *

  
River stood by the elevators. She started to speak when Barba appeared, but stopped short when he shook his head as he pressed the button. Both of them stood in silence until the doors opened and they stepped inside.

When the doors shut, he rounded on her, "You should have told me you were moving back."

"I haven't talked to you in almost five years, Rafi. You're hardly at the top of my list of people I need to inform of my movements." She crossed her arms, "Look, I had plans of getting into contact with you so you wouldn't be surprised if we crossed paths at the courthouse. I've only been back a week. I figured it'd be awhile before that would even be a possibility of happening. I wanted to get my first few days here out of the way before I called. How was I supposed to know you would be the ADA?"

"You expect me to believe you didn't know that?" he asked.

She snorted, "Good to see that ego of yours is still as over inflated as ever. I knew you had transferred out of Brooklyn when we broke up so you wouldn't have to deal with Andrea, but you and sis tried narcotics cases. How was I to know you'd switched over to sex crimes? Look, Lt. Benson has told me that there might be a spot for me even after Detective Rollins comes back from maternity leave if I prove myself valuable."

"And you're telling me that because?" he countered.

"My point, _pendejo_ , is that you better not screw this up for me as some sort of pathetic revenge plot. I can work with you without letting our past get in the way. I need you to do the same."

Barba couldn't help the smirk that found its way to his face at her use of the Spanish she had picked up from their years together, but he tried his best to conceal it as he said, "I won't screw this up for you, _bruja_ , as long as you don't go spreading our history around SVU, especially to Carisi."

The doors opened and Barba strolled out of the elevators, not waiting for her response.


	2. Hold Me Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I only own the characters that you don't recognize and none of Halsey's lyrics belong to me.

_My demons are begging me to open up my mouth_  
_I need them, mechanically make the words come out_  
_They fight me, vigorous and angry, watch them pounce_  
_Ignite me, licking up the flames they bring about_  
_I sold my soul to a three-piece_  
_And he told me I was holy_  
_He's got me down on both knees_

* * *

  
River crossed her arms, "She's not going to talk as long as Sonny is in the room." This was met with a snort from Carisi, "Don't get offended, Sonny. She and I grew up in the same neighborhood. Kids are taught from an early age that the police are not your friends and if you snitch, you're the lowest of the low. I know her. I _was_ her. Give me an opportunity to get through to her."

Liv thought it over for a minute, "Fine. Barba is on his way over to discuss a potential deal. You've got until he shows up."

"And when we knock on the glass, your time is up. Don't make one of us have to come in and get you." Dodds added as she turned to open the door to the interrogation room.

"Looks like someone has been talking to my old boss," she quipped.

Dodds nodded, "I do my research."

"Of course." River went into the interrogation room. She took a seat across from the young woman who was covering for their perp, "So, you're a Brownsville kid?"

"Yeah. What of it?" The young woman pushed her braids out of her face, "Is this the part where you tell me that I need to be better than where I came from and narc on my man?"

The detective shook her head, "No, this is the part where I ask you if Mr. Anderson still chases people he thinks are 'stealing"'out of his store with a bat. "

The detective's air quotes around the word stealing got a small smile out of the girl, "You're from the Brownsville, too?"

"Born and raised," River confirmed.

Nicolette's face twisted in a look of disgust, "And you became a cop?"

The detective met her gaze, refusing to be ashamed of the job she loves, "Detective, actually. I would tell you that not all of us are bad, but I know that's going to go in one ear and out there other. But, I will tell you that you're welcome."

"For what?" She crossed her arms before spiting out, "For harassing innocent people?"

River ignored the jab, "Back in my day, Mr. Anderson chased people with a metal bat. He chased me one day and I ran straight to my Mom. She came in the store, reached behind the counter, grabbed his bat and made sure he knew that her kids were off limits. He took a week off to  heal and when he came back, he'd switched over to a wooden bat. Guess he figures that will hurt less if another parent decides to get even."  
Nicolette couldn't contain her laugh. She suppressed it as quickly as she could before asserting, "I'm not snitching on Alejandro."

The older woman nodded, "I get it. Really I do."

"Oh yeah?" The other woman challenged her, "Why don't you explain it to me?"

"You don't have a father because who in the Brownsville does? Or if you do, you wished you didn't. My sister and I got the luck of the draw." River's curls bounced as she shook head, "Our old man was an abusive SOB who ghosted on us once a younger, shiner model came along. I've got some half brothers and sisters rolling around out there that I pretend don't exist because it's easier than having to discuss the waste of space who fathered me."

"So?"

"Oh, I'm not done. You've got daddy issues. And you can wipe that anger off your face," River leaned on the table, "because I'm not saying that out of judgment. I'm saying that as someone who has some daddy issues of her own. That being said. Alejandro rolls in like a white knight and, at first, you don't trust him. After all, when has any three piece that slums it in our neck of the woods ever done anyone any good?"

The younger woman prickled at her question, "He's different."

River bites her lip to hold back what she really wants to say about the predator this girl has built her life with. She takes a deep breath and continues, "Yeah, he is. You find out he's from the Barrio. That he worked his way into that suit and, somehow, that makes him better." Her tone softens, "Better than the dope boys that line up and down your block and better than the boys from the 'right side' of the tracks who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth who look at you as something to be experienced, but never truly loved. And he's older. Jackpot, right? Because older must mean wiser. Must mean that he's got his life together in ways you could only dream of."

"He loves me," Nicolette defended.

River reached across the table and laid her hand on the other woman's, "Maybe he does. I've got my own little Cubano Americano from the Barrio in my past. He checked off all the same boxes that Alejandro does and you couldn't have convinced me--not even now that we've split--that he didn't love me."

River could see the struggle on her face. Caught between wanting to keep her walls up and curiosity, her curiosity won out, "What happened?"

A wave of sadness washed over the detective. Although she might be embellishing her story a bit in order to get the young girl to trust her, the emotions that ran across her face were genuine, "I woke up one day and realized that he may love me, but he loves his power more. You'd do anything for him, but would he do the same for you? Because something tells me that with every argument or opinion you have that differs from his, he asserts the fact that he's  the adult and you're a child and everything you have is because of him. Your worth is only valid if he validates it. I woke up one day and realized that I didn't want to live that way." With a shake of her head, she tamped down her emotions, "But, this is where you and I differ."

Nicolette removed her hand from River's before asking, "How so?"

"Because no matter how bad it got between us, his bad life choices never had me sitting on the other side of an interrogation room. You know he's guilty. You know he hurt these women.  How long before you think he turns that around on you?"

"I'm different," she defended, but her voice wavered and River could tell she was beginning to break through her defenses.

"Are you?" River cleared her throat before she said, "I'm sure that's what my Mother thought before my sperm donor put a fist in her side for the first time. I'm sure that's what my sister thought before her high school sweetheart pushed her down a flight of stairs.  He knows you're here and he knows we've got him on our radar. How many times over the next few days will you have to tell him you gave us nothing before he gets angry that you won't tell him the truth and my fellow officers are responding to a domestic at your place? Because if you walk out of here without helping us, there is nothing I can do to help protect you and I really don't want that on my conscience." She grabbed her hand again, "We Brownsville girls gotta stick together.

Indecision marred her featured as she questioned, quietly, "You won't let anything happen to me?"

"We'll get someone to protect you. I'll sit outside of your door without applying for a stitch of overtime if I have to," she assured her.

After a few beats, Nicolette made her decision, "Okay. "

A knock rang out through the interrogation room, "Write down every alibi you lied about and how long he was gone. I'm gonna go talk to my ADA about getting you possible deal to get out of being charged as a co-conspirator." River stepped out of the room. After she closed the door, and gave Carisi a fist bump, she addressed Barba, "Did you get stuck in traffic, Rafi? I was expecting to get pulled out sooner than that."

"No, I got here just in time to here all about your very own boy from the Barrio," he answered in a clipped tone.

She could feel the anger radiating off of him in waves, but she chose to ignore it. His anger could wait. A deal for Nicolette could not, "Are we gonna give here a deal? She got caught up and manipulated by a man who is almost old enough to be her father. She's 18. They've been together since she was 15. He virtually groomed her to only trust him. She didn't have a real chance against him."

Rafael wasn't going to let it go as easily as she hoped, "And that's exactly what happened to you?"

River bristled, "Not exactly. I was well into legal age when I met my ex. Now, counselor, deal or no deal?"

She and Barba stared at each other for a moment before he answered, "I'll need her to testify, but I'll deal."

Dodds interjected, "You don't have to watch her. We'll get someone to sit on her place."

"Not on. In," River asserted while shaking her head, "She was 15 when they got together and her mother still lives at the same address they always have. You think he doesn't know how to get in without being seen?"

"Good point," Liv agreed, "We'll get someone to guard the home."

* * *

 

A sharp knock sounded on River's door. She opened it and Barba pushed past her, "What the hell was that?"

"Please, do come in," River quipped as she shut her door.

Ignoring her comment, the ADA continued on his tirade, "Two weeks. You managed to keep your mouth shut for only two weeks. I expected you to tell everyone eventually, but two weeks is a little sad, even for you."

River sighed, "Okay, clearly, I need a drink to have this conversation. I don't have scotch but I do have my favorite moscato that you used to claim you didn't like, though I always came up missing some."

As she walked attempted to walk past him towards the kitchen, he  blocked her path, "I'm not here fo-"

"Rafael Barba," she scolded as she put her hands on her hip, "you basically bullied my sister into giving you my new address and then decided to storm into my apartment, uninvited and all pissed about something that is basically your fault. So, you are going to table this discussion until I get a glass of wine or you are going to get your ass out of my house. _Those_ are your only two options." She spun around and opened her door, "Pick one, papi."

He scowled at her before walking into her living room and sitting on her couch. After a few minutes of moving around in the kitchen, she set a glass of wine in front of him before sitting on the opposite end.

Barba started to speak, but she held up a hand to silence him, "The only reason anyone thinks that story I told was about you is because you got all pissy when I walked out of the interrogation room. Carisi took great joy in telling me all about the snarky comments you made before Dodds pulled me out. Listen, before the Lieutenant let me talk to Nicolette, the only thing I told her was I wanted to try to play up to the fact that we're both from the same neighborhood." She crossed her legs and laid them on the coffee table, "Besides, had you actually been listening to what I was saying, you'd know that I took several liberties with our story so it would be more like the situation she was in."

When he looked at the floor instead of responding, a light bulb went off for River, "That's why you're here. That's what you're so angry about. You're not upset because I brought up our past. You're upset because of the parts of it I twisted around."

He took a sip of wine before he spoke so softly that she almost couldn't here him,  "The ending wasn't great, but we were good at the beginning. I didn't manipulate you into being with me."

"Oh, Rafi, I know that." River set her glass on the table as she took her legs down and scooted closer to Barba, " Listen to me, I fell in love with you with my eyes wide open. Being in a relationship with you is a choice I made without any manipulation, over and over and over again until the day that I woke up and decided that I didn't want that anymore. There is no part of me that feels manipulated or played or lied to. Our ending sucked, but the beginning and the middle was the stuff fairy tales are made of. I got my happily ever after with you. It just wasn't a happily forever after."

He nodded. Heavy emotions always made him uncomfortable so he tried to lighten the mood by joking, "So Andrea told you I bullied her into giving you the address?"

River knew exactly what he was doing. Though they hadn't been together in almost five years, she still knew he was at his core. Instead of pressing the issue, she let him change the subject, "Well, that's the story she tried to sale me until I called her on it. I know deep down there's a part of her that likes you more than she likes me. The day I told her I was moving back to New York, the first thing she asked me was if I planned on trying to get back together with you."

"And your response was?"

"The same as it has always been. That my relationship with you was none of her damn business five years ago and it isn't any of her business now," she answered, as she moved back to her original spot on the couch.

He nodded, remembering the many arguments she and Andrea had fought over her older sister's interference in their lives together. He took a sip of wine before asking as casually as he could, "What made you move back?"

She'd known this question was coming, but had hoped that it wouldn't be for awhile. She bit her lip and played with one of her curls before she answered, "It was time. When I left here, I was running. From you. From Andrea. From Mom. Hell, from myself, but I didn't realize it. Boston made me grow up. For the first time in my life, I was truly on my own. Solitude makes you unpack your issues and deal." She took a large sip of wine before deciding to be honest and add, "I missed you."

"My number never changed," Rafael challenged, voice rougher than he had intended it to be.

She tried her hardest to look at anything other than him, "After the way I left, I figured you wouldn't have answered."

It would be so easy to accept that excuse. To take it at face value and let it go. But Barba couldn't and wouldn't let her lay the blame for where they had ended up solely at his feet, "Maybe not at first, but I would have eventually."

"I know," she admitted after debating for a few moments if she was going to argue the point, "But you deserved better than that so I left you alone and worked on me."

"How'd that work out for you?" he asked, bitterness dripping from every syllable.

River answered honestly, "Well, I like me a whole lot more than I used to. I think you'd like her too."

He'd been there longer than he had intended. He couldn't sit on a couch with her and drink wine and act as if the past five years didn't stand between them, "I should go."

His statement was met with a sigh as he stood up, "At some point, you and I are going to have to learn how to coexist."

"Maybe, but not tonight," he replied without looking at her as he made his way to the door.

The old her would have jumped up and blocked his exit while demanding he continue their discussion, but she'd meant what she had said. She had taken the past few years to discover who she was outside of her dependency on her mother, sister, and him. The new her knew that patience was a virtue. The issues that had sent her running all those years ago would be dealt with in due time. They had to be if they were ever going to be able to work together without any issues. Time had made her wiser, but she still had a little bit of a petty streak in her so she couldn't resist having the last word in some way, "What ever you say, counselor."

Rafael's only response was to make his exit, gently closing the door behind him.


	3. New Americana

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I own only that which you don't recognize.

 

  
_Survival of the richest, the city's ours until the fall_  
_They're Monaco and Hamptons-bound but we don't feel like outsiders at all_

 

* * *

  
River downed another shot of whiskey and sent a pointed look Carisi's way, "Seriously? We're only three shots in and you're already look like you're gonna bow out."

Carisi shook his head, "How can you drink this stuff?"

The dark skinned woman laughed, "My partner in Boston was originally from Texas. I learned real quick how to shoot cheap whiskey and line dance."

"Well, if you want to keep going pound for pound with this crap, you'll have to give him a call," her new partner said as he signaled a waitress and asked her to bring him a pitcher of whatever beer they had on tap.

"Her," she corrected, "You've officially been bested by two women."

"I'm a firm believer that women are equal to men so if you're trying to goad me into another shot by waving the 'girls can do it' flag in my face, you'll have to find a different bull." Sonny replied with a shrug.

"Darn." River snapped her fingers, "Worth a shot. Get it. Shot!"

"You're so funny, River Clark," an eye roll accompanied his statement.

"You love me," she shot back.

Sonny leaned back in his chair, "Apparently, I'm not the only one around SVU that feels that way."

His partner put a hand over her heart and gasped, mockingly, "You mean you know that Sergeant Dodds is secretly in love with me and we've been doing the butt naked waffle wiggle in his car every time Lieutenant Benson sends me out in the field with him."

Before he could respond, a waitress set down the pitcher of beer he had ordered as well as two glasses. He thanked her before he spoke to the woman sitting across from him, "I'm going to need to bleach my corneas now to deal with the mental image of you and Dodds."

"Would Fin and I have been a better choice," she countered as she batted her eyelashes.

"Now we're on to acid instead of bleach," he jested.

She laughed as she poured beer into the glass that was sitting in front of her, "What do you want to know?"

"How much of that story you told Nicolette was true?"

"Took you two months to muster up the courage to ask that, Fordham? You're gonna be a lawyer. You gotta get better at asking the tough questions," she replied.

"You're evading the question," he countered.

"Oh. Look at you!" River downed another shot, "We met years and years ago when I visited my sister over

Christmas break while she was at Harvard. She and Barba were really close friends. I fell for him almost instantaneously."

"Encroaching on your sister's territory," he observed, "I never would have taken you for the type."

River vehemently denied his accusation, "It wasn't like that. I asked and asked and hounded her about it. She had her sights set on a different classmate. That's how she and Rafi had gotten so close in the first place. He was friends with the guy and Andrea had become buddy buddy with Rafi to get to this guy."

"What happened there?"

"They dated all through law school. When they graduated, she wanted to move back here and he got an offer in California. They tried the long distance thing for awhile, but it eventually ended," she explained.

"You and Barba?" Carisi asked.

"At first, it was just really light and fun. He was concerned about our age gap. He's 5 years older than me." River ran her finger around her glass of beer, "At our age now, 5 years is hardly anything to think about, but back then, it was a lot. Though, I didn't think so."

Noting the sadness that marred her face, he spoke up, "Riv, you don't have to go into anymore detail. I just liked ragging you and finally seeing Barba get wound up about something. I didn't mean to bring up old wounds."

"Oh, Sonny, those wounds are opened every time he sets foot into the squad room. Although, I think we've finally settled into a rhythm where we're just pretending that we don't have history ," she assured him. She closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them, she said, "Andrea has always been really smart. Got a scholarship for a private high school and all that jazz. All the people she hung out with were Monaco and Hamptons bound. They were snobs. I expected much the same from Andrea's college buddies, and most of them were like that, but Rafi was different. He didn't make me feel like an outsider and, unlike my sister, he hadn't forgotten where he came from and how hard he worked to make it out while his peers just had it handed to them. Don't get me wrong, I love my sister, but she and I never got each other. Still don't. Hell, when Rafi and I got together, she gave _me_ a lecture about not hurting or using him."

"Did she give him one too?" Sonny asked.

"Nope." A bitter laugh escaped River's lips, "And every single argument we had, she took his side. Eventually, I just stopped going to her for advice because she was convinced that I was always wrong. No matter what he did."

He shook his head, "How about we talk about something different?"

River downed another shot, "Gladly."

* * *

  
River swayed and leaned on Carisi for support as they walked down the sidewalk, "Sonny, you really didn't have to walk me back to my place. I'm one block away from the bar." 

"Partners look out for one another, Riv." Carisi caught her as she tripped over her on feet, "No way was I gonna let you stumble home all alone."

She pointed at her brownstone as they got closer. When they were standing in front of it, she stumbled up to the second step to eliminate their height difference, "You know what, Sonny?"

He laughed, "No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me."

"I wasn't sure about you when I first got here, but I like you. You can be a little annoying at times, but who isn't?"

"Gee, thanks Riv."

River swayed and put her hands on Carisi's shoulders to still her movements, "Don't go getting offended, Fordham. Because I like you, I'm about to give you some solid advice."

Sonny laughed, "I don't know if you're in the right frame of mind to be doling out life advice right now."

"Nonsense! I'm drunk, not stupid." River looked him straight in the eye, "You want to know why Rafi gives you so much shit when you speak your position on legal stuff even when you are right? It's because you preen and posture afterwards, like a puppy expecting to be given a treat for doing a trick. Ambulance chasers do that. Real lawyers do not. I had years and years of watching Andrea and Raphael do their thing. State your position and then be done. No pats on the back. No high fives. A great lawyer speaks their mind and how dare you question that they would ever be wrong about it. Start doing that and you'll earn his respect. Begrudgingly but you'll earn it."

"Do you need help getting inside?" Carisi asked, deciding not to comment on her advice.

"No, I'm good." She turned and walked up the remaining steps. She opened the door and then turned,

"Remember what I said Carisi."

"Good night, River."


	4. Drive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little River/Barba one on one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, River is the only thing I own.

_Your laugh echoes down the hallway_   
_Carves into my hollow chest,_   
_Spreads over the emptiness_   
_It's bliss_

* * *

  
River stood outside of Barba's office. His secretary was on lunch, but she knew that the other woman would be back soon. She took a deep breath before using her foot to knock since her hands were full.

Barba opened the door and was surprised to find River standing there, "What are you doing here?"

She gently hip bumped him so that he would move out of her way. She marched over to his desk and set down the bag and drinks she was carrying, "Bringing you lunch."

Not wanting the whole office to hear what he was sure would be an argument, he shut the door, "And Nina just let you waltz in here without asking me?"

"No," River answered as she flopped down in the chair in front of his desk, "I timed it for when she would be on lunch so she wouldn't try and stop me."

"Remind me to tell Nina she's only allowed to take her lunch at her desk from now on," he replied as he crossed his arms.

Instead of turning around and acknowledging his statement, she started to unpack the food, "Gyros from the cart on 32nd. Don't even try and act like you're going think about turning it down. You know it's basically the most heavenly thing you've ever eaten."

"Is it poisoned?" Barba asked as he reluctantly made his way back to his seat. He had no problem throwing River out of his office, but he knew her well enough to know she would take the gyros with her. 

"Yes, because offing you in the DA's office is only the best plan ever," she quipped.

"Point taken."

After pulling out her food, she slid the bag across the table to the ADA. As he began to inspect what she got him, she said, "We need to talk."

Barba stopped moving, "River, I-"

"Chill, Rafi," she interjected with a wave of her hand, "Not about me and you--although that is a conversation that we will have to have at some point."

"Then what, pray tell, do you want to talk to me about.?" He continued unpacking the food she had brought, "Has to be good if you're bringing me lunch."

River took a bite of her own gyro before answering, "We need to talk about you and Andrea."

"I don't want to talk about that either."

"Oh really?" River leaned back in the chair and crossed her arms, " So you don't want to talk about how both of us broke our promise that no matter what happened between us, she wouldn't lose her sister nor her best friend? Or maybe you don't want to talk about how you promised me in the one and only email we exchanged after I left, that you wouldn't abandon her? Her circle was always small. You lied to me."

He scoffed, "You moved to Boston without telling me so I think we're even."

She snorted, "Hardly."

"River, I--"

She decided to make a joke to break up some of the tension, "Yes, after knowing each other for over ten years, I'm well aware that you know my name so you can stop chanting it over and over." She looked him up and down and then winked, "Unless you want to lose some clothing. Then, as you know, I'm all for chanting. "

Her last comment caught him off guard and he couldn't stop himself from laughing. When he stopped, he found River staring, "What? Do I have tzatziki on my face?"

"No," River shook her head, "I just haven't heard you laugh in the two and a half months that I've been back. Even after we found an uneasy truce, you never so much as cracked a grin."

"That's because Carisi is your partner. I spend 90% of our interactions annoyed at his existence."

"You should be nicer to him. He looks up to you," she scolded even though she cracked a smile at his statement.

Barba grinned, "As he should."

The detective rolled her eyes, "Back to the original subject. Since you boot scootin boogied out of Brooklyn, you probably don't know this, but Andrea's engaged."

"Boot scootin boogied?" Barba parroted with a raised eyebrow, "Who are you?"

River wadded up a napkin and threw it at him, "Shut up. My partner in Boston was a southern belle originally from Texas. I picked up all sorts of language from her. She even took me hunting!"

Rafael paused, "You went hunting?"

"Camping too!" She rubbed her hands together, "Her husband taught me how to shoot a crossbow!"

Barba shuddered, "That is...terrifying."

"And you, counselor, are deflecting," she countered.

"Yes, I knew she was engaged," he answered.

"He spoils her and is so much easier to get along with than Brian."

"Brian wasn't a bad guy," the ADA defended.

River snorted, "He certainly wasn't a good one."

Determined not to have that particular argument since they had beaten that horse to death years ago, he moved past that point, "Surely you didn't come down here with food just to tell me that Andrea was engaged."

"No. I came to tell you that she and Lucas are having a party." River took a deep breath before speaking quickly, "The food is because I may or may not have told her that you would be in attendance."

"River Clark, y-" Barba bellowed.

River exclaimed, "We went over the name thing already!"

"River," he chided.

"Listen. I stole her best friend when we got together and you walked out of her life because I walked out of yours. Also, how many times, when we were together, did she get put in the middle?" River lamented.

"How many times did she put herself there?" Rafael challenged.

"Besides the point, Rafi. I left. You left. We did it in the most callous way possible," She leaned on his desk, "I was in Boston for a whole week before I finally emailed my sister and mother to tell them Boston was a permanent move and not just me helping my Captain and his family get settled in. You told her you were taking a vacation to process my leaving. She found out  a month later from your old boss that you didn't take a vacation but transferred to Manhattan a week after you left. We hurt her. She missed me. She misses you and if you stop acting like you've got a heart of stone, you'll admit you miss her too. Unless Lt. Benson has filled that role?"

Barba tilted his head, "Is that jealousy I hear?"

"I have never and will never be jealous of any woman in your life," River asserted.

"Oh really?"

"Of course." She sat back in her chair, " Your mother adores me. Any woman that comes next won't surpass me on her list. I mean, the woman  still sends me tamales every Christmas."

Knowing there was no way he had heard her correctly, he asked, "She what?"

"You didn't know?" When Barba shook his head, she said, "She told me you did."

He crossed his arms, "And you believed her?"

She laughed, "No, but I really love her tamales."

Barba joined in her laughter as he said, "You have no shame."

"Not when it comes to your mother's cooking," River giggled.

When the laughter subsided, he asked, "When is the party?"

"Three weeks from now. I figured that was enough time to guilt you into if you told me no today."

He glared, "I don't do guilty."

"You didn't used, but you've gotten softer since I left." She could tell he about to argue, but she cut him off, "Not in a bad way, Rafi. You're still a force to be reckoned with in court. Maybe even more so now then when I left. But, there's something about you that's easier to be around. Even with the awkward elephant in the room between us, it still seems easier to talk to you and be around you then when we were together."

He shook his head, "Rive-"

"I know. I know." She looked down at the ground, " You don't want to talk about us."

He rubbed his temples and sighed, "I don't want to talk about us here. Do you have any plans tonight?"

Her head snapped up and she hesitantly answered, "No."

"Come by my place at 7. I've moved from the loft we shared so get the address from Nina. She should be back at her desk," he instructed.

Afraid that he would change his mind if she stayed any longer, she quickly gathered her trash and rose to leave, "Okay."

"Riv," he called before she opened the door.

She tentatively turned around, "Yes?"

"No matter what happens tonight, I'll be at Andrea's party," he assured her.

River smiled and gave a short nod before exiting his office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments and let me know if you're enjoying the story.


	5. Hurricane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River and Barba discuss their past.
> 
>  
> 
> And get a little closer in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> River is the only thing I own.
> 
> River mentions a particular shirt, tie, and suspenders in this chapter.   
> That stellar combo can be found here: https://pp.vk.me/c629301/v629301153/18bec/1EulWOUZQKs.jpg

_I'm a wanderess_  
_I'm a one night stand_  
_Don't belong to no city_  
_Don't belong to no man_  
_I'm the violence in the pouring rain_  
_I'm a hurricane_

* * *

  
Not for the first time, Barba wondered if having River come to his apartment was a mistake. One of the biggest reasons he had moved out of the loft they had shared in Brooklyn was because he couldn't stand living in a place that had so many memories of the two of them. Leaving all of their furniture behind in his move had ensured that his apartment was completely untouched by anything that had to do with her.

Why had he invited her to into his domain instead of going to her place?

Before he could give it any more thought, a knock sounded on the door. He opened it and motioned for River to enter. He took a seat on his couch and the slightly younger woman followed his lead.

"You got my favorite wine," she observed.

He shrugged, "I needed to get another bottle of scotch. Figured why not grab it while I was there."

River nodded and took a sip from her glass before lunging into the reason she was here, "I've thought about this day a lot. What I would say if you ever gave me the chance."

Rafael leaned back into the cushions, "And?"

She set her glass down, "Before I say anything, I need you to know that my leaving was about me, not you. Yes, catching you setting up plans to cheat on me didn't help, but by the time I left, I'd forgiven you completely." She took a deep breath, "I left because forgiving you came too easy. I realized that forgiving you wasn't a choice. My personhood was so wrapped up in being your significant other that I had to forgive you because I wasn't me if I wasn't with you. And I started thinking about how so much of my identity was wrapped up in being your girlfriend or Andrea's kid sister or Amaya's daughter or an SVU detective. If you stripped all of that away, there was nothing left. Captain Mathias told us he was moving to Boston and he was trying to get the green light to bring a detective with him. He wanted to have someone he already trusted to get the job done while he got to know his new detectives. He joked that he'd like to have me but he knew you loved New York and would never leave it and I would never leave you. Before I could think it over, I told him I would go. He got the go-ahead to bring a detective with him three days before he was to leave. I was given a month to tie up loose ends, but I told him that I would arrive the day he did. So, if you ever wondered if I had it planned months in advance to get revenge for the whole Lindsey debacle? I didn't. It just...happened that way."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Barba asked as he crossed his arms.

Blinking back her tears she hadn't expected to shed, she took a moment to gather her emotions before answering, "You would have asked me to stay and I would have."

"So there was nothing that I could have done," he questioned.

River looked down at the floor, unable to look him in the eyes, "I don't know if you remember the day I left, bu-"

"It was raining," he said as he cut her off. He waited until she looked up at him before he continued, "It was a Friday, but you wanted to have a three day weekend with me and you tried to convince me to play hooky. I wouldn't and after I was dressed and about to walk out of our bedroom, you pulled me down by my tie and kissed me like it was the last time you would ever get to do so. Which turns out it was was, but I didn't know that. I promised you I would make it up to you when I got home, but you were gone by the time I returned."

The detective struggled to breathe as she croaked, "You remember that?"

A bitter laugh escaped the ADA's lips, "I remember that after you pulled me to you by my tie, you wrapped your arms around my neck. I remember how you caressed my cheek as I told you that I would make it up to you. I didn't see it then, but I've replayed that scene in my mind enough that I know you were trying so hard to will me with your eyes to give in, but I never could figure out why."

Running a hand through her curls,  "Had you stayed, I wouldn't have left. I made myself an ultimatum. If you stayed, I would stay. I'd figure out my issues, but I would stay. If you went, I was Boston bound."  
Rafael stood and stalked over to one of his windows. He tried to calm down the anger swelling up inside of him before he turned around and demanded, "How could you do that? How could you base a major life decision like that on a choice I didn't even know I was making?"

"Oh, Rafi," River softly chided as she stood from her spot on the couch though she didn't follow him to his new spot in the room, "I was always leaving for Boston. I just didn't have the guts to make the decision so I made an ultimatum, knowing I already knew the outcome." The detective played with the hem of her blouse, "How many times had I tried to get you to skip out on work if you didn't have court? Dozens, right? How many time did you take me up on it? Never.  I knew what I was doing was wrong. Well, not necessarily what I was doing, but how I was doing it. It was purely for my conscience. I needed to feel like I'd given you a say."

A few beats that seemed like hours to River passed before Rafael turned back around to gaze out the window before he asked, "Do you?"

Confusion marred her face, "Do I what?"

"Remember that morning," Barba's answer came so softly that River had to strain to hear him.

River gingerly walked over to where he stood. She leaned on the wall beside him and caught his eye before she answered, "You tasted like my cinnamon toothpaste that you absolutely hate. I'm assuming you had run out, but I never paid attention to whether or not your overly minty toothpaste needed to be replaced." She couldn't help the small laugh that escaped her lips as she remembered all the times he had run out of toothpaste and the lectures he had given her about how disgusting her chosen toothpaste was, "You were running late. You thought it was because the alarm clock screwed up and didn't go off in time, but it was because I had changed the time setting on it. I thought if you were already running late, it might increase the odds that you'd stay." She closed her eyes and tilted her head back to rest on the wall, "You didn't have court so you decided to skip out on shaving so you had a bit of a five o'clock shadow. You were wearing your blue and white gingham shirt. You know, the one I used to joke reminded me of the Wizard of Oz and just to goad me, you always paired it with a red tie and red suspenders. Although, the suspenders did have a stripe of black running through them." She opened her eyes and found he had turned from the window and was looking at her. She met his gaze before she said, "There's not one moment of our time together that I don't remember, mi Corazon."

Barba had been steeling his heart against her from the moment he had walked off the elevator two months ago and saw her sitting at a desk. He didn't know if it was the fact that she hadn't forgotten the small, intimate details of their relationship like he had believed she would or the fact that he thought he'd heard that particular term of endearment for the last time on that cold, wet morning four years ago, but he couldn't help himself. His resolve instantly dissipated. He stepped away from the window pane and pulled her to him. Surprise briefly flashed in her eyes before he kissed her.

He backed her into the wall she was previously leaning against. As her back hit the wall, his hands found their way to her hips. River intertwined her fingers into his hair as she pulled him as close to her as she could. She knew that at some point, he would come to his senses. This was Barba, after all, but she was going to enjoy this for as long as she could before he stopped it.

She moaned as his tongue plunged into her mouth and she couldn't help but grind her hips against his. His kiss took on a more demanding pace and he slid his hands up her body. He grabbed her hands from their place in his hair and laced their fingers together before pinning them to the wall behind her.

He took and took and River willingly gave, but eventually, the two came up for air. Barba let go of her hands and took a step back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," he choked out through heavy breaths.

River chuckled, "Did it seem like I was opposed to any of that?"

"Just because you seemed to like it doesn't make it consent. You know that," Barba countered.

River nodded. She couldn't really argue that point considering the area of police work she had chosen to devote her life to, "So, if I very clearly and enthusiastically assure you that I am more than a willing participant, you'll continue? You won't stop? You won't give me a list of reasons why we shouldn't?"

The heat in Barba's gaze was almost enough to make the detective weak in her knees, "If you very clearly and enthusiastically assure me that you want this as much as I do, I'm going to take you into my bedroom and do all of the things I should have done to you the morning you left."

River's eyes never left his as she began to unbutton the blouse she was wearing. She slipped it off and let it fall to the floor before closing the distance between the two. She wrapped her arms around his neck, "I am very enthusiastic about the fact that I want you to take me into your bedroom, strip off the rest of my clothing, and give me everything I've been dreaming about for four and a half years."

Her declaration was met with his trademark smirk, "You dreamt about me?"

"You never forget your first," she answered, "But, I don't know if the real you can live up to dream you."

His response to her goading was to spin her around so that her back was firmly against him. His hands skimmed over her stomach and he began to nuzzle her neck before he whispered in her ear, "I've had almost five years to think of all the things I want to do to you."

"So you dreamt about me?" River tossed his words back at him.

"No." He slowly maneuvered them so they were standing at the back of the couch, "More like you haunted me. For the first year, I was convinced I was going to wake up and you were going to be there. The next few years, I thought of you--and this--less and less, but every now and then, you'd show up." River wasn't sure what she was going to respond to that, but any words she had dissolved into nothingness as Barba slipped a hand in her pants, "Already so wet for me, mami? I think that's the part about you that I missed the most."

River shivered at his declaration. This was the part she had missed the most about him. He had talented hands and a very gifted mouth, but the best part of sex between the two of them for her had always been the way he talked to her. Several times during their relationship, he had been able to get her off with his words alone. A fact that he took great pride in.

She turned in his arms, "You're overdressed."

He released her and she immediately missed the contact, "Are you going to do something about that, mi tesoro?"

She knew he was playfully goading her, but her breath caught in her throat. She'd known when she walked out all those years ago that the odds were great that she would never ever hear those words fall from his lips again and they had much the same effect on her that her earlier use of her old endearment had on him. She sprung towards him. Lips mashed together and teeth clashed as she ripped off the button up shirt that he was wearing.

She pulled back, "Bedroom. Now."

He motioned for her to wrap her arms around his neck. When she complied, he lifted her and her legs wrapped around his waist and he carried her off into his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to all of you that wanted full on smut. Trust me, it's better for everyone if I just leave the actual act to your imaginations. Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter!


	6. Roman Holiday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little short, but the next one won't be!

  
_We'll be looking for sunlight_   
_Or the headlights_   
_Till our wide eyes burn blind_   
_We'll be lacing the same shoes_   
_That we've worn through_   
_To the bottom of the line_   
_And we know that we're headstrong_   
_And our heart's gone_   
_And the timing's never right_   


 

* * *

  
Barba awoke the next morning with his arms around River. He gently detangled himself from her and made his way into his kitchen. He brewed a pot of coffee and fixed himself a cup. He made his way back to his bedroom. He leaned against the doorframe and stared at the still slumbering detective.

 

River stirred and hugged the pillow she was laying on before saying, "I can hear you thinking. It's interrupting my sleep."

 

"This was a mistake," was Rafael's response and he cringed as soon as the words escaped his mouth.

 

"Really? Couldn't let me sleep in before you kicked me out of here. We're both off today," she turned over to face him before she glanced at the clock on the nightstand and rubbed her eyes, "Rafael, it's 8:30 in the morning. You couldn't have waited until at least 10 before your sense of reason kicked in and woke me up."

 

He stood up, bracing himself for the impending argument, "I just don't want you to think that we were getting back together."

 

She gasped and feigned shock, "What? You mean stumbling into bed together doesn't mean you're going to finally put a ring on my finger?"

 

He took a sip of coffee before he responded, "Must you always be so sarcastic?"

 

"We're really doing this?" she asked as she stretched.

 

Trying not to get distracted by the slight slip of the blanket, he cleared his throat, "River, loo-"

 

"Don't," she cut him off. "Okay, just don't. I mean, of all the ways you could have woke me up? We could have gone for round what? Six? And then after some amazing morning sex, you could have gently broke it to me that you wanted to make sure we both knew what this was. Don't worry, Barba. I didn't think you putting me on all fours meant I was moving in."

 

He glared, "Do you have to be so crass?"

 

"Seriously?" The detective laughed, "After all the things you whispered in my ear last night? You don't get to be offended by my language right now."

 

Rafael rubbed his face, "I don't want things to be awkward between us at work."

 

She rolled her eyes, "Don't worry. I don't plan on telling Carisi that we fu-"

 

"River Clark."

 

"Back to the name thing?" she quipped. When he didn't respond, she shook her head, "I promise to be on my best behavior." She leaned back against the headboard, "Are you still going to go to Andrea's party?"

 

"Is that why you slept with me?"

 

Outraged, she sprang out of the bed and began to gather the clothes that were in the bedroom as she ranted,  "You did not just ask me that! You kissed me first, Rafael Barba. I followed your lead. I love Andrea but not enough to pimp myself out so people will be friends with her." She started to head towards the living room but stopped when she realized he was still standing in the doorway. She glared as she added, "Plus, think about it. Me screwing you practically ensures that you aren't going to her party because it would be too awkward."

 

"I'm sorry," he conceded.

 

"Wow. Guess you learned some new words while I was gone," she spat.

 

He reached for her with his free hand, "River, w-"

 

She moved out of his reach as she said, "You know, I liked you saying my name last night. Now? Not so much. Move."

 

He stood his ground, "I don't want you to leave here angry."

 

"You know what I want?" she huffed. "I want more of last night. And I'm not talking about the sex. I'm talking about the times in between. When we talked and it wasn't awkward and there wasn't any bitterness or anger simmering beneath the surface. I'm not foolish enough to think we're ever getting back together, but we were friends once. Can we try for that again?"

 

He asked, "Do you think that's possible? Really, truly possible? After everything, I put you through? After everything you put me through?"

 

"I don't know, but I know I would like to try." She sat on the bed with her clothes still gathered in her arms,

"I want to stay on this squad, Rafael. It's a good fit for me. We could spend the rest of our days tiptoeing around each other, but I'd prefer to actually be able to trust and depend on my ADA."

 

He considered her statements and found himself moved by the sincerity in her voice, "You should get dressed."

 

"Of course," was her clipped response.

 

"So that we can go get breakfast," he finished, "On me to apologize for waking you up so early."

 

River tried to feign anger, but couldn't stop herself from laughing as she stood up, "You are such a little shit, Rafael Barba."


	7. Ghost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since I updated! Life happened and I had trouble sitting still long enough to write this chapter. Hope you guys enjoy!

_My ghost_   
_Where'd you go?_   
_What happened to the soul that you used to be?_

* * *

 

 

Barba and the SVU squad sat at a conference table listening to River explain the latest change in their current victim's testimony. When she finished, Rafael spoke up, "I'm going to drop the charges."

River recoiled as if she had been slapped, "Are you kidding me?"

"River, I don't have a case," he answered as he leaned back in his chair.

"Yes, you do," she asserted. "Morrison raped her. I know that. You know that. This whole entire squad room knows that. How can you just let him walk?"

"You're right, I do believe he raped her, but she lied. Multiple times. The defense is going to tear her and her credibility apart on the stand. I can't prove it to a jury beyond a reasonable doubt."

River threw her hands up in the air, "So, that's it. We just let him go? Let him go back into the world to do it again, safe in the knowledge that his heinous crimes have no real consequences."

"Riv, he's got a point," Carisi said.

"Really, Fordham?" She crossed her arms and glared at her partner, "I know you're trying to get the man to let you shadow him on a case, but let's try not to turn on our partner while we accomplish that goal."

Olivia stood, "No one is turning on anyone, River." The older woman put a hand on River's shoulder, "Look, I understand how passionate you are about putting Morrison away. I'm right there with you, but Barba IS right on this one."

The detective turned her glare towards the ADA, "Amazing. It's like I can see his head growing bigger right before my eyes."

"River," Lt. Benson chided.

"I'd say sorry, but no one would believe me and we've already established that is a good enough excuse not to do the right thing." She snatched her jacket off of the chair she had abandoned when she first started talking, "If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go break it to Starla that our ADAs win column is more important than her being violated."

Liv began to follow River out of the room, but Barba stopped her, "I'm headed back to my office anyway. Let me handle it."

The ADA headed towards the elevators and barely managed to slide into it before the doors close. He stuck his hands in his pockets and turned to look at River who was practically vibrating with anger. He didn't say a word as he waited for her to gather her thoughts and speak.

Her voice was as hard as steel as she demanded, "How many times, Rafael? How many times have I watched you in court? How many times have I watched you take on case after case after case that everyone else thought they couldn't win. How many drug dealers, distributors, smugglers, and gang members are behind bars because you did what no one else could? Yes, she lied. She's 18 and she's scared. I remember 18. I remember how terrifying making big life choices was in far less traumatic situations than the one she's going through right now. I know it's been almost five years, but what happened to _that_ the guy? The one who stopped at nothing to put the bad guy away? What happened to the lawyer that strolled into every courtroom with an aura that reads to every defendant and their attorney, 'how dare you think you're going to walk away from what I'm charging you with no matter how weak you think my case against you is?' Because _that's_ the ADA I need. _That's_ the ADA that Starla _deserves_."

Barba pinched the bridge of his nose as the elevator doors opened and they exited. He acquiesced, "We don't go to court until Thursday morning. You've got two days to find me more concrete evidence or another victim. If you don't, I'll drop the charges."

River nodded, "Thank you, Rafi. I'll find it. I'll be damned if Starla doesn't get her day in court."

As River began to walk off in the opposite direction of him, he called out, "Take Carisi with you."

She turned around with a snort, "That turncoat. I'm fine riding solo."

"Interesting," Barba smirked and tilted his head to the side, "I seem to recall someone telling me I should be nicer to him."

"And yet, he took your side instead of mine. Partner rule #1. You back me in public and disagree with me in private," the detective countered.

"River, the four years ago you is showing," he said as his smirk transformed into a smile, "You're better than this. He's your partner. And, he didn't necessarily disagree with you. No one in that room did. We all want this guy put away. He just simply stated that I had a point. That doesn't mean he was saying you were wrong. It means he was saying he could see both sides."

"Low blow on the personal growth attack, Rafi." River looked down at the ground and huffed, "But you do have a point." She pulled out her cell phone and called Carisi, "Hey, Judas, get down here. Barba's giving us two days to find some concrete evidence." She listened to what her partner had to say, "Fine. We can stop for food first, but you're paying, Brutus, " She started to hang up, but stopped when the other detective spoke, "I'll stop addressing you by treasonous names when I good and feel like it. You got five minutes to get down here, Benedict Arnold, or I'm leaving without you." She hung up and she looked at Barba, "What? The name calling a little too much of my former self?"

He laughed and winked at her, "I'd say yes, but since it's Carisi? Give 'em hell kid."

A few seconds after Rafael left, Carisi came charging out of the building. When he got closer to her, he tried to apologize "Look, River, I wasn't tryin-"

"Save it, Hanssen." River cut him off and gently punched him in the arm, "We've got some investigating to do."


	8. Colors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! Hope you guys enjoy the chapter!

 

_I'm still waking every morning but it's not with you_

  
_You're dripping like a saturated sunlight_  
_You're spilling like an overflowing sink_  
_You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_  
_And now I'm tearing through the pages and the ink_

 

* * *

  
River stretched  as her alarm went off. She didn't need it today since she had already told Olivia that she needed to take a personal day, but she knew she'd probably forget to reset it before the day was over. Thankfully, the older woman had not only granted her the day off but also didn't ask why. River probably could have made it through the day with just the SVU squad, but she had no guarantees that she wouldn't run into Rafael and, on this day, she didn't think she could face him. Her phone began ringing and, for a moment, her breath caught in her throat. A sigh of relief escaped her lips when she picked it up and saw it was her old partner, Arabella.

River laid back on her pillows as she answered the phone, "I should have known you would call today, Belle."

"How could I forget what day it was, Yorkie?" Arabella laughed, "I spent four years watching you mope around and wallow over the man you left behind."

Smiling at her old partner's southern drawl, she disagreed, "I do not mope."

"Whatever floats your boat, Yorkie. How are you?" Even though River couldn't see her, she could imagine the look of curiosity on Belle's face, "Do you think you'll run into him at work today? Surely he hasn't forgotten that it's y'alls anniversary."

River laughed, "Didn't you once tell me that I couldn't call it an anniversary because we weren't together?"

"No. I told you that I didn't think it could be considered an anniversary because y'all don't even talk to each other," Belle countered. "But, since you guys are back to being all chummy, I'm willing to relax what I feel you should title today."

"How generous of you," she quipped. She waited for a beat to see if the blonde was going to say anything. When she didn't, River finally admitted, "I'm not going to work today."

"Seriously? Come on, Yorkie. You're stronger than that," Belle chided.

"Maybe I am, but I just didn't want to deal with him today. Especially if he forgot." River explained, "I told Lt. Benson that I needed to take a personal day. She didn't ask and I didn't tell."

"Didn't you tell me he was besties with your new Lieutenant?" Belle asked.

"Rafi doesn't really do besties, but she's probably as close as he's got to one since he and Andrea fell out."

"So, did you ever stop to think that maybe the reason she didn't ask you why you needed a personal day is because she already knows why?" Belle hypothesized.

River shook her head, "I highly doubt that. Rafi doesn't share. Getting him to spill anything is like pulling teeth."

"If you say so, Yorkie," she replied. "I hate to run, but I'm pulling up to the precinct. Cap will have my head if I'm late. Gotta set a good example for my new rookie partner."

"He stuck you with a rookie? I thought he was gonna partner you up with Q?" River asked.

Belle snorted, "Yeah. That's a long story that I wish I had time to tell you. We'll save that for a Skype session."

"Deal. Love you, Belle."

"Love you, Yorkie."

River hung up the phone and tossed it on the bed. Days like today made her wish she had never left Boston. She desperately wished she was back with her old partner. Knowing that after the work day, Belle would have told her husband to find somewhere else to be and they would have had a wine, popcorn, and rom-com movie night.

She tossed the covers off and went into her closet. She moved around a few boxes on the top shelf and pulled out the box that she only allowed herself to open once a year. She took a seat on her bedroom floor and opened it. River pulled out the scrapbook that Barba had given her on their ten year anniversary. She couldn't help the smile that broke out when she remembered how excited she had been when he had given it to her. Sentimental was not something that Barba was good at, but he had listened to her when she had told him months prior that she wished he would spend more time--not money--on the gifts that he gave her.

As she flipped through the pages, reliving the memories they had made before it had all come to an end.

* * *

 

Barba looked over the text message transcripts that Olivia had brought to his office, "This is exactly what I needed. Let's see him try to explain his way out of this."

"Good."

The ADA expected her to leave, but when she didn't move from the chair, he asked, "Anything else?"

"River asked for the day off," Liv informed him.

Barba stopped shuffling through the transcripts that she had brought to him. He scratched the back of his neck as he said, "I told you she would. As much as she hates it, River is led by her emotions. It's what makes her so good with victims. They instantly know she's in their corner because her heart is on her sleeve. I'm not someone she could handle seeing today."

Olivia nodded, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Since you're asking, I'm assuming it's going to be a personal question about me and River." He leaned on his desk, "Since you just brought me the evidence that's going to win this case, I'm in a good mood. Ask away."

Benson crossed her arms, "How long were you together?"

"Eleven, when you add it all together." When Liv gave him a look of confusion at his answer, he explained, "Three breakups in the midst of that. Those add up to three years so when she left for Boston, we'd known each other for fourteen years. Today would have been fifteen years together if she would have stuck around. We've known each other for eighteen."

"That's a long time, Barba. Most married couples I know haven't been together that long."

"Is the implied question why we hadn't gotten married after fourteen years?" He shook his head, "Of course it is. That was always the question. Keep in mind, we got together when I was 23 and she was 18 so even after fourteen years, we were still relatively young.  When she left, I was getting ready to propose. And by getting ready to propose, I mean I had one more payment until I had the ring."

Liv's gaze softened, "Barba, I d-,"

"And that's why you've never heard of her before she popped up in your squad room." He leaned back in his chair before continuing, " I don't need your pity, Liv. We were together and now we're not."

Benson asked, "Do you still want to be with her?"

"The better question is am I going to be with her. The answer to that is no. She and I are done. We've found a way to coeixst and work together, but there's nothing between the two of us." Barba answered.

"So if I keep her on the squad even after Rollins' maternity leave is done, you'll be okay with that?"

"I'll manage." When Olivia started to speak, he cut her off, "Look, Liv. River is a phenomenal detective. She'll be a good addition to SVU. Plus, she actually likes Carisi. _That's_ gotta count for something, right?"

"Right." Olivia stood but stopped short of the door. She turned back towards Barba, "I'm not going to talk to her about staying until Rollins gets the clearance from her doctor to come back so you've got a month or so to change your mind."

"If I told you I couldn't handle having her around, you would let her go?" the ADA asked.

"You telling me that you couldn't deal with her being around would be a major sign of trust. _That's_ gotta count for something, right?"

Without waiting for his reply, Liv exited his office.


	9. Strange Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River clashes with her sister which leads to some not so great life choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The format for this is a tad bit different because the song is actually used in the chapter. This is my favorite chapter in this whole story! Let me know what you guys think!
> 
> Also, I'd suggest listening to Strange Love so you can understand how the song sounds and how it plays out in the chapter:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-Jo25SL56A

 Carisi took in the scene in front of him and said to River, "We are really out of place."

 

Both detectives were startled when a voice behind them spoke, "But that just means you're in good company." They both turned around and River was overjoyed to see her cousin. She hugged her as her cousin chastised her, "Took you long enough to get here. I've been trying to blend in with the potted plants for the past thirty minutes."

"Paperwork." The detective released her, " Have you worked the room? How terrible is it?"

Clarke nodded, pastel pink curls bouncing around, "I did. I had high hopes since Lucas is a doctor, but all his colleagues are as stuffy as you would expect." She looked Carisi up and down, "However, your date looks like he knows how to have fun."

"Partner. Not my date. Clarke, this is Sonny. Sonny, this is my cousin, Clarke. Although, if we're being honest, she's more like a sister," she introduced the two.

Sonny extended his hand, "Pleasure to meet you."

Clarke smiled widely, "I assure you, the pleasure is ALL mine."

"Down girl." River laughed as she separated the handshake, "I _do_ have to work with him."

"I promise not to break him," she playfully replied.

"Clearly, you've already been hitting the bar," River deadpanned.

"It's free booze! Why wouldn't I?" Clarke's gazed moved past them, "Uh-oh."

River asked, "What?"

"Your sister and her fiancé are heading our way," Clarke answered.

"Why does that warrant an 'uh-oh'?"

"Because they have your ex in tow," she responded.

"Did you say free booze?" River linked arms with her cousin, "I definitely need a drink in my hand before I deal with Andrea and her weird fixation on my dealings with Rafi."

* * *

The trio made their way to the bar and ordered drinks. Andrea grabbed her sister and doled out air kisses. She then turned to Clarke and did the same. Turning to Carisi, she said, "I don't know you."

Clarke stirred her drink with the toothpick that the cherry was attached to as she answered before River could, "This is my newest conquest, Sonny. He may or may not also be River's partner."

Andrea cocked an eyebrow, "You would think, in your 32 years of life, you would have discovered some sort of tact."

"I believe in speaking what you want into the universe. Verbalize it and then it'll happen," Clarke retorted with a shrug.

Barba grinned, "Good to know you're still as new age as ever, Clarke."

"Long time, no see, suspenders."

"Really? Bringing back that nickname?" he groaned.

"You left. The nickname never did." When she received an elbow from River, she added, "Sorry. Still don't have a filter."

Barba deadpanned, "Then you and Carisi should get along really well."

Lucas, Andrea's fiancé, tried to contribute to the conversation, "Rafael, where's Laura?"

River cocked her head to the side, "Who's Laura?"

Andrea answered, "His girlfriend. She's quite lovely. He introduced her to us at an event about four months ago." Andrea pivoted towards Barba, "She's a journalist, right?"

Avoiding looking at River, Barba answered, "Yes, she is. She couldn't make it. She's got a deadline to meet in the morning."

"Shame she couldn't be here. I would have _loved_ to meet her. If you'll excuse me and Clarke, we're going to go look at the karaoke catalog." She slammed her drink down on the bar and grabbed Clarke's arm. She started to head towards the karaoke booth but stopped briefly to turn back to her partner, "Sonny, mingle. We'll be back to rescue you in a bit."

As the two woman left, Sonny and Barba shared a knowing look while Andrea and Lucas, completely oblivious to River's reaction, guided them towards other party goers.

* * *

  
River took another sip from the bottle of wine that her cousin had managed to commandeer from the bar before lamenting, "He has a girlfriend."

"Breathe. Look, you told me you had no intention of getting back with him when you moved back. I know it's a shock and it hurts, but I need you to breathe so you can calm down and get back out there," Clarke replied as she gently rubbed her back.

"I just...we've talked." River ran a hand through her curls, "He should have told me."

Clarke gingerly asked, "Don't take this the wrong way, but is 'talking' all that you two have done? Because being upset about this is normal. Chugging a bottle of merlot in the girls bathroom and freaking out, however, is only normal if you two have slept together recently."

Before River could answer, the bathroom door sprung open and Andrea walked in, "You have got to be kidding me."

Clarke held up a hand, trying to stave off her impending tirade, "Andrea, don't sh-"

"You are  _not_ going to embarrass me and ruin my party. Whatever drama you want to drag up, do it on your own time. You left Rafi. You have no right to be upset that he has moved on." She then addressed their cousin, "Clarke, what were you thinking giving her booze while she's flipping out? How did you even get a full bottle?"

"Perks of being a bartender. We tend to run in the same circles which means I do, in fact, know the man you've got tending bar tonight." The younger woman put her hands on her hips,"As for what I was thinking? Well, I was thinking that she's a grown ass woman and, therefore, well above the legal drinking age and capable of making her own life decisions". 

Andrea took in the sight of River drinking out of the bottle and she wondered, "What did he ever see in you?"

"Andrea Lorraine!" Clarke exclaimed.

River placed the bottle on the sink. She laughed, bitterness dripping off her tongue, "You just think he's so perfect, don't you? You have NO clue how our relationship worked even though you tried to continuously insert yourself in it."

"Don't you mean didn't work? Because I can't help noticing that you two aren't living out a happily ever after," her sister shot back at her.

The detective stalked over to where her sister stood. When she spoke, her voice was low, but laced with vehement, "Did you ever stop to think for one moment that maybe he did something that made me want to leave?"

The lawyer shook her head and scoffed, "Like what? Not give into all your selfish and childish demands?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize expecting the man that you want to marry to not cheat on you was being spoiled." She moved and took a seat on the sink area, "I'll make sure to tell Luke that he can go bang as many women as he wants and still get to come home to you."

"He didn't. Rafi isn't the type," Andrea refuted.

She leaned back against the mirror, "Oh, you have no idea. But, you're right. He didn't actually go through with it. Not because he grew a conscience, but because I caught him. Women's intuition is a hell of a thing. I'd had his personal email passwords for years and hadn't ever used them until that point."

"Well, maybe he was tempted by someone who didn't push so hard against all his positive life choices," she retorted.

"Are you kidding me right now?" She jumped up from her perch, "I just revealed to you that he was actively planning to cheat on me and you're still on his side? Are you sure _you're_ not in love with him?"

"Don't be absurd. I just know him and I know you. You're reckless and impulsive and stubborn."

Anger coursed through River's veins at the sound of her sister's dismissive tone, " _Was_. I _was_ those things. I spent four damn years working on me. Whether or not you want to acknowledge it, I am a different person."

"Really? Because I haven't seen it in all the months that you have been back. You want to show me that you've changed?" Andrea crossed her arms, "Then suck it up. Go mingle. Sing some terrible karaoke like everyone else. Eat. Drink. Be merry and do not ruin my night."

The younger sibling closed her eyes and took a deep breath before replying, "You're right."

Clarke chose this moment to speak,  "Riv, sh-"

River cut her off, "Hand me my purse. I'm just gonna fix my makeup."

"Good girl." The lawyer motioned to their cousin, "Come on, Clarke. Let's leave her to it."

"Actually, Clarke does winged eyeliner way better than I do. Wanna be a pal and help a girl out?"

"Sure," she answered.

After Andrea exited the bathroom, River asked Clarke, "You still carry your flask?"

"Of course. It's the only way to get through a night of rubbing elbows with Andrea's boring ass friends. Open bar or not. You?"

River affirmed, "Yep. Hand yours over."

The bartender pulled it out of her purse, but stopped short of giving it to her to ask, "What are you gonna do?"

"Big sister wants reckless and impulsive? I'll show her reckless and impulsive. She wants to act like I haven't changed? Why not give the lady what she's asking for. I just need some liquid courage," River answered.

Clarke asked, "This isn't going to be pretty, is it?"

"Nope. Flask," River held her hand out.

Pink curls bounced around as the slightly younger woman shook her head before handing over the flask, "If Andrea asks, you stole this out of my purse when I wasn't looking."

"Deal."

* * *

  
As the opening notes of the song River picked started to play, Carisi spoke quickly, "Um, guys. River's been listening to this album for a few months now. This is about to get really bad."

Andrea stood from her seat, as did Barba. They were about to go grab her off the stage when Clarke spoke, "Wait, most of these people don't know Riv."

"Your point?" Andrea coldly demanded, sure that their cousin had a hand in whatever was about to happen.

Lucas wrapped an arm around his fiancé, "I think her point is that most of them don't know River so they don't know about her past with Rafael. If you let her finish, she just looks like she's had a little too much to drink and sang an inappropriate song. You two storm the stage? Then they know there's something to it."

Carisi tossed out, "Whatever you're gonna do, do it fast. The singer is about to start."

Andrea turned to Barba who shrugged while saying, "Let her make a fool of herself."

  
_"Everybody wants to know_  
_If we fucked on the bathroom sink_  
_How your hands felt in my hair_  
_If we were high on amphetamines"_

River ran her hands through her curls as she sang the first verse and looked directly at her sister.

  
_"And everybody wants to hear_  
_How we chain smoked until three_  
_And how you laughed when you said my name_  
_And how you gripped my hips so mean"_

As she sang the last two lines, she closed her eyes as she slid her hands down her body and stopped when she reached her hips. Before she sang the next part, she opened her eyes and her gaze landed directly on Barba.

  
_"We wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night_  
_But the ending is the same every damn time, no, no, no_  
_We wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night_  
_But the ending is the same every damn time_

  
_They think I'm insane, they think my lover is strange_  
_But I don't have to fucking tell them anything, anything_  
_And I'm gonna write it all down, and I'm gonna sing it on stage_  
_But I don't have to fucking tell you anything, anything"_

  
Turning her eyes back on her sister, she gripped the microphone stand and began to sway as she slurred out: 

  
_"That's the beauty of a secret_  
_You know you're supposed to keep it_  
_That's the beauty of a secret_  
_That's the beauty of a secret_  
_You know you're supposed to keep it_  
_But I don't have to fucking tell you anything, anything."_

She unhooked the microphone from the stand. She pushed the stand out of her way and it fell. Rafael was very thankful that looks weren't capable of killing people. The amount of bile found in her brown eyes made it perfectly clear exactly how she felt about him in that moment.

  
_"Everybody's waiting up to hear if I dare speak your name_  
_Put it deep beneath the track, like the hole you left in me_  
_And everybody wants to know 'bout how it felt to hear you scream_  
_They know you walk like you're a God, they can't believe I made you weak"_

  
As she belted out the line about making him weak, she unbuttoned the first two buttons on her blouse. Barba couldn't help but follow along with her movements. She sank down and sat on the edge of the makeshift stage.

  
_"We wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night_  
_But the ending is the same every damn time, no, no, no_  
_We wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night_  
_But the ending is the same every damn time_

  
_They think I'm insane, they think my lover is strange_  
_But I don't have to fucking tell them anything, anything_  
_And I'm gonna write it all down, and I'm gonna sing it on stage_  
_But I don't have to fucking tell you anything, anything_

  
_That's the beauty of a secret_  
_You know you're supposed to keep it_  
_That's the beauty of a secret_  
_That's the beauty of a secret_  
_You know you're supposed to keep it_  
_But I don't have to fucking tell you anything, anything_

  
_These days I can't seem to get along with anyone_  
_Get by with anyone_  
_These days I can't seem to make this right_  
_Well, is this fine? Will it be alright?_

  
_They think I'm insane, they think my lover is strange_  
_But I don't have to fucking tell them anything, anything_  
_And I'm gonna write it all down, and I'm gonna sing it on stage_  
_But I don't have to fucking tell you anything, anything"_

  
Once she finished singing, she dropped the microphone, hopped off the stage, and headed behind the curtains that were hanging around the stage.

Clarke pulled out some cash and handed it to Carisi, "Sonny, go get my cousin. Take her out back through the door in the kitchen, get a cab, and see her home."

The detective started to make his way towards the stage, but Andrea stood and grabbed his arm, "She's not going anywhere before I talk to her. Besides, she's not your problem."

Clarke stood and pulled her cousin's grip off of him, "But she is your partner. She trusts you with her life and, right now, she's going to be feeling pretty open and exposed. Go protect your partner. Get her home, safely. Feel free to text me later and tell me how it went." She finished with a wink. After Sonny left, she rounded on Andrea and Rafael, "You do realize, Andrea, that this is _your_ fault, right?"

Andrea scoffed, "I refuse to take the blame for her actions."

"How are you so smart and, yet, so stupid?"

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Maybe if you stopped referring to her as a problem then none of this would have happened." She briefly stopped addressing Andrea to speak to Barba, "Yes, she was upset to learn that you had a girlfriend, and if that little performance tells me anything, it's that you two have _definitely_ slept together in the time that she has been back. Probably while you were with Laura. I'd be upset too if I learned that I slept with a guy without knowing he had a girlfriend. If I'm going to be a home wrecker, I want to make that choice. Not be duped into it." She then pointed at her cousin, "Then in comes the oh-so-perfect Andrea. You got angry at her for having a human moment and escaping the crowd to try and calm down. Not only that, but you also insulted all the hard work she as put in to improve herself over the past few years. You never visited her in Boston. You didn't see the people she was around. You didn't see the positive choices she started making. Hell, as happy as I am to have her back, I'm starting to wish she would have stayed there instead of walking right back into the heartache that comes from being around you two."

"After that little performance, you honestly want to argue with me about whether or not she's finally grown up," she argued.

"Yes. Do you know her exact words before she got ready to go do that? They were all about giving you exactly what you expected of her. You don't see her changes because you keep treating her like the girl she used to be. Keep setting your bar low and overlooking how good she's doing and she'll eventually give up and behaving in the manner you assume that she is going to," Clarke defended.

Barba finally spoke, "She's got a point, Andrea."

The other lawyer was indignant, "After all that, you're defending her? I guess you have been sleeping with her."

Lucas tried to calm her down, "Darling."

"Lucas, thank you, but I can speak for myself." Barba addressed his former best friend's last statement, "I have. I make absolutely no excuses for it. But, I'll tell you now like I told you all those years ago. What happens between your sister and I is absolutely none of your business. You'll know what she wants you to know because you are her sister. As for defending her? I work with her, day in and day out. You know how she was. Almost always in trouble for something. If her Captain hadn't like her so much, she wouldn't have kept her job for very long. She's refined all the things that make her a great detective and cut off all the things that made her a risk. We've had our run-ins but she hasn't responded to our disagreements the way she used to. She's become someone I can actually debate with and if you give her a chance, you might just find that she's become someone you can be proud to call your sister." Done with the conversation and the party, he sat his scotch on the table, "I'm going to leave. There's no way all these people haven't figured out that that show was personal. "

 

* * *

  
River toddled to her door. Without looking through the peephole, she answered, "Clarke, I promise, I'm f-"

She stopped short when she realized that it was Barba standing at her door and not her cousin. Before he could speak, she started to slam the door in his face. He stopped her.

"I really don't want to do this in the hallway," he said as he angled his body so she couldn't close the door all the way.

She scoffed, "I don't want to be the girl who screwed someone with a girlfriend so I guess no one around here is getting what they want."

"I shouldn't have slept with you and I should have told you," he yielded. "River, let me in."

While the detective had sobered up considerably in the hours since she had left her sister's party, she was starting the feel the incoming hangover and was too weak to keep pushing the door. She backed up and let Rafael in the apartment.

Barba looked down at the floor, "I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm so-"

Before he could finish his apology, River shoved him, "NO! You do not get to apologize and assuage your guilt. You do not get to try and make yourself feel better for being a shitty person and a shitty partner. And to think, I thought you had changed too. For the better. You've just gotten smarter about not getting caught."

"Can you stop acting like I would have slept with anyone other than you? I didn't cheat on Laura because I'm not happy. I didn't cheat on her because we're having problems. I cheated on her because it was _you_." Barba crossed  his arms as he continued his tirade, "Because you have always been able to get under my skin in ways that absolutely no one else can. If any other woman had done what you did tonight, I would be absolutely done with them. Work be damned. But because it's _you_ , I'm here. After defending your actions to your sister, by the way."

"Oh, how noble of you," River spat.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Barba released a long sigh, "What do you want me to say?"

"Nothing," River answered, "I want you out of my house. I actually want you out of my life, but I plan on sticking around at SVU so I know that's not happening. This," she motioned between the two of them, "is done. I don't quite know what to call _this_ , but it's over. I want off this emotional roller coaster with you. I've made an ass of myself over you for the last time."

"If that's what you want."

"It is." River ran a hand through her hair, "And it's what you should want, too."

Without another word, Barba exited the apartment. After she locked the door behind him, River slid down to the floor and dissolved into tears.

_But the ending is the same every damn time._


	10. Coming Down

_I've got a lover_  
_A love like religion_  
_I'm such a fool for sacrifice_  
_It's coming down, down, coming down_  
_It's coming down, down, coming down_

  
_I've got a lover_  
_And I'm unforgiven_  
_I'm such a fool to pay this price_  
_It's coming down, down, coming down_

 

 

* * *

  
"Would you like another glass of wine?" Rafael asked Laura as he took her plate from her.

  
"That would be lovely," she answered.

  
He made his way to the kitchen and put their plates in the sink. He grabbed the bottle of wine that was chilling in the fridge and walked back into the living room. He refilled her glass that was sitting on his coffee table before refilling his own. He sat the bottle on the table and sat next to her.

  
Laura picked up her glass, took a sip, and turned towards him, "What's wrong?"

  
He looked down as he answered, "What do you mean?"

  
"Rafael, if you don't want to talk about it, just say so." Laura tucked her blonde hair behind her ear, "You've been quiet and distant the whole night. The latter is a little normal, but the former isn't. You have an opinion about everything."

  
 The ADA had been trying to figure out how to bring up this subject all night. Now that he had the perfect opening, he was a little hesitant to take it. He cleared his throat before asking, "Do you remember me telling you about my ex? The one who moved to Boston?"

She nodded, "The one that hightailed it out of New York while you were at work?"

  
"That's the one," he confirmed,  "I have something I need to tell you."

  
"Rafael, take a deep breath," she tried to comfort him by taking his hand in hers, " You look like you're about to have a heart attack. Sit. Sit down. She's been gone for quite a few years, right? Is she moving back?"

  
He squeezed her hand and then removed himself from her grasp as he answered, "Moved. She moved back a few months ago."

  
The journalist noticed his maneuver, but didn't call attention to it, "Did you run into her at the courthouse or did Andrea tell you?"

  
"Actually, she's filling in for Rollins while she's on maternity leave."

  
Laura sat her glass down on the table before asking, "Please tell me that this is a recent development."

  
"She's been on the squad since the second week after she moved back," Barba answered.

  
"Okay," Laura said. She wasn't exactly sure what else she could say to that. She sat back on the couch before she  continued, "She's been back for months, but you're just now telling me. I can't imagine it's for a good reason."

  
"It's not." Barba ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. He finally looked her in the eye as he admitted, "I slept with her a few months ago."

  
"Months," The blonde took a deep breath of her own, "So why are you telling me now? No offense, but I don't think you're the type to carry guilt over a one off."

  
He scratched the back of his neck, "Because I'm done lying to myself. I love her. I always have. The odds are great that I always will. I don't know if I have a real chance with her, but I know that I can't show up on her doorstep and tell her any of that if I'm still with you."

  
"I used to think the pragmatic and cutthroat way you went after defendants in court was sexy," She shook her head, "Now I think I know how much it cuts to their core."

  
The ADA tried to explain, "I'm not trying to hurt you. I wasn't trying to hurt you when I slept with her. I know that's no excuse and it doesn't make any of what I've done or what I'm saying feel better. If I could ignore her and this pull towards her, I would. She and I have a tendency to bring a lot of chaos to each others lives."

  
"Then why even attempt to try it again?"

  
"Have you ever read Wuthering Heights?" When she nodded her affirmation, he continued, "Do you remember the part where Catherine is talking to Nelly and she's talking about marrying Edgar? She tells her that whatever souls are mad of, she and Heathcliff's are the same. We're not nearly as toxic as those two were for one another, but that's the best explanation I can think of when it comes to us. It sounds so cliché and if you want to roll your eyes at it, I won't blame you."

  
Laura bit her lip and took a moment to think about what she was going to say, "She's a lucky woman, Rafael Barba."

  
A sigh of relief escaped from his lips, "I'm sorry."

  
"Don't be," Laura waved her hand, "I had fun, but I was never under the impression that you were madly in love with me. I was hoping you'd get there one day, but I was pacing how much I allowed myself to feel for you with how much you showed you felt for me. Hey, at least it wasn't some random woman. If she's got you quoting Emily Bronte, then I know I never really stood a chance against her. I'm going to go. I'm sure you need time to figure out how to win her back."

  
"Thank you for being understanding. I don't deserve it."

  
"No, you don't, but I'm kind of amazing like that," Laura stood, "Pity that heart of yours isn't up for grabs."

  
Barba laughed at her statement as she let herself out of his apartment.

 

* * *

  
River was sitting on her couch, debating how she was going to tell her mother that she wasn't going to be at their weekly Sunday family dinner. She knew her mother would be disappointed, but she didn't think she could handle being around Andrea for awhile. Just as she was about to pick up the phone, her doorbell rang.

  
"Saved by the bell," she muttered to herself as she got up to answer it. Her elation was cut short when she looked through the peephole and saw who was on the other side. She opened the door and didn't give Rafael time to speak, "I said I was done."

  
"I know," Barba replied as he stopped her from closing the door.

  
She glared at him, "Why are you here? Look, I won't make work awkward and Sonny has been instructed that if he wants to keep his man parts operating functionally, he won't bring it up nor make it awkward. Go ahead and threaten him if you need to."

  
"I'm not worried about that."

  
"Then why are you here?" she demanded.

  
The ADA looked around the hallway. He didn't really want to have their conversation out in the open, "Can I come in?"

  
"Absolutely not," she scoffed.

  
He decided it would probably be best not to argue with her, "Fine. I came to tell you that I broke up with Laura."

  
River opened the door wide enough for her to exit her apartment. Rafael moved back so she could exit. She closed the door and leaned against it, "Did you tell her why?"

  
"I did," he confirmed, "She wasn't exactly happy about it, but she sort of understood."

  
River laughed, "No, she didn't."

  
"She wasn't angry or upset. Just a little disappointed that I lied to her and that I was ending it," he explained.

  
The younger woman crossed her arms, "I can't believe I'm about to give you relationship advice. You two were dating or together or whatever for almost a year, right? Rafael, she's hoping that you come over here and fall flat on your face--which you are, by the way--and that you'll be so dejected that you'll go running back to her. She may have found you incredibly guarded, but something tells me that you probably let her in more than any other woman you've dated since me. Not enough to be any real competition for your feelings for me, but enough that she believed it was going to go the distance if she was just patient enough."

  
"I'm not running back to her," he asserted as he put his hands in his pockets.

  
"I know that. You know that. She doesn't. When she does realize it? Expect a couple of nasty emails or text messages and an incredibly frosty demeanor the next time you encounter her."

Barba shrugged, "I don't care."

  
"That's fine. I'm not about to sit here and pretend I care about Laura's feelings since I've never met her. But you know what I do care about? Not backsliding. I won't act like I didn't entertain the thought that we would eventually get back together, but Friday made me realize something. You and Andrea bring out the worst in me. More so Andrea than you, but you contribute to the perfect storm of chaos in my life." River uncrossed her arms and pushed herself off the door, "I called my old partner yesterday and told her what I did. She even made me hold on so she could go listen to the song, just to get the full picture. She couldn't believe I did it. I almost had to add Clarke to the conversation so she would believe me. It was hard for her to picture because that's so far removed from the woman she knows. I don't want to go back to that. Which is why I'm kind of distancing my from Andrea, too. I just need some time to regroup. Look, just give me time."

  
"You've had almost five years," he gently reminded her.

  
"I don't expect you to wait, Rafael." She reached out and grabbed his hands in her own. She looked him straight in the eye, "When I walked out of our apartment all those years ago, I accepted that we were done. You? Standing here? Never in a million years would I have expected this. And let's be honest. If I would have gone back to my old squad, you wouldn't be here. You'd be avoiding me and making future plans with Laura. Go home. Give me time. Give me space. Please."

  
The ADA nodded and pulled her into a hug. He held the embrace until River moved away, "Goodnight."

  
River tried her best to hold back her tears as she replied, "Good night."

  
As he made his way toward the elevators, she let herself back into her apartment.


	11. Gasoline

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! Life got in the way, but I should be updating regularly now.

 

_Oh, oh, oh, oh,_   
_I think there's a flaw in my code,_   
_Oh, oh, oh, oh,_   
_These voices won't leave me alone,_

_Well my heart is gold, and my hands are cold._

 

* * *

  
River sat cross-legged on her cousin's couch, "So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how awkward was it?"

Clarke snorted, "It was off the frickin' charts since this is the third Sunday dinner you've missed. You owe me for fielding questions from my mother and your mother about why you weren't there as well as keeping Andrea from completely telling Aunt Amaya what happened at the party."

  
"Thank you," she replied as she tried to stifle her giggles. 

Her cousin glared at her, "You need to go see Andrea and put this to  bed."

River shook her head, "You said it yourself. She and I are toxic."

"I also said that about you and Rafael, but you're only picking and choosing what you hear me say," Clarke pointed out.

"I'm not. He made some bad decisions, but he's not a bad guy," the detective argued while crossing her arms.

The bartender rolled her eyes, "You do realize that you're giving him a ton of leeway, but not giving that to your sister. Ya know, the one you have literally known your whole entire life."

"Only because he's my ADA. I have to play nice."

"You could always go work on a different squad." Clarke held her gaze and when she looked away, she finished, "Exactly. Just admit that you still very much want him and that's why you're willing to overlook his bad behavior."

River held her hands up, "I plead the fifth."

"Which means your answer would incriminate you."

Feeling rather uncomfortable, the other woman tried to change the subject, "Can we talk about your love life instead of mine?"

"What love life?"

River laughed, "You've worn the same perfume since we were sixteen. Don't think I didn't notice that Sonny came into work smelling like it a week ago."

"I plead the fifth," Clarke mocked her cousin's earlier statement.

"Which means your answer would incriminate you," the detective mocked back.

"Fine," she huffed, "You caught me. He's a little smarmy, but that's how I like my men."

"Just remember he's my partner and, after you break his heart, I still have to work with him. Let him down gently, yeah." River said as she threw a small pillow at her cousin.

The other woman caught the pillow and looked down at the floor before asking, "What if I don't break his heart?"

"Noelle Clarke Anderson, are you telling me that you have real true life feelings for Sonny?!?" River exclaimed.

"You're in love with Barba who has the personality of a wet paper bag and doles out sass like he's starring in Mean Girls. Don't you dare make fun of who I may or may not have feelings for, buster." Clarke spat defensively.

"I'm not. I swear. Look at me, Clarke." She waited until her cousin was looking her in the eye, "Sonny is a great guy. A little misguided and ignorant, sometimes, but he's got a good heart and a willingness to learn. He's not afraid to admit that he's wrong which is a trait I wish all men had. I'm not making a big deal because it's Sonny. I'm making a big deal because it's _you_. Miss love 'em and leave 'em. Miss sleep at their place so I can leave when I get ready. If you're considering settling down, I don't think there's a better guy you could choose to do it with."

The pink haired woman smiled, "I knew you'd say that. He's been so afraid to tell you. Made me promise to not tell you unless I was confronted. Which _maaaaay_ be why I sprayed a heavy dose of perfume on before snogging him while he was on his way out of the door last week."

The detective shook her head, "You are so bad!"

"And your partner loves every bit of it," she quipped as she wiggled her eyebrows.

The other woman made a gagging sound, "Oh, I just bet he does."

"Back to you. Look, I went over to Andrea's after dinner last week. We had a long talk about you two," Clarke informed her.

"Bet that was a blast," River rolled her eyes.

"Stop it. Listen, I went over there completely ready to defend you because even though family shouldn't have favorites, we all know you're my favorite cousin. She said some things that made sense. That made her actions and behavior towards you make sense." River started to speak, but Clarke motioned for the other woman to let her finish speaking, " I'm not saying that she's right. I'm not saying how she's treated you all these years has been okay. I'm just saying that if you listened to what she had to say, you might find that she's not AS wrong as we've always thought."

River snorted, "Did she serve you kool-aid while you were there because this does not sound like the Clarke I know and love?"

"What can I say? Catching feelings has made me all mature and shit," the other woman shrugged.

"I'll go talk to Andrea on one condition."

"What?"

The slightly older woman smiled, "Next time you and Carisi go out, text me and tell me where you guys are eating. I want to 'accidentally' catch you guys. The look on his face is going to be priceless!"

"Deal," she agreed, "Now, back to you and Rafael."

"There is no 'me and Rafael'," she denied, "He's a no good, dirty damn liar and I'm done."

"It's so cute how you're really trying to make yourself believe that," Clarke replied.

River acquiesced, "Fine. The truth is he broke up with his girlfriend so he could be free to pursue me."

The other woman nodded, "Are you going to let him? Because even though he can be a total shark, that man has always respected what you wanted."

River groaned and laid down on the couch, "I don't know. It wasn't supposed to be like this, ya know? I was supposed to come back and run into him at the courthouse, have a few awkward minutes of trying to talk to one another which would end with us saying we should catch up, but we wouldn't. That would be that and he would go on about his life and I would go on with mine. I think something is all screwed up in how I'm wired. I shouldn't still even be entertaining the possibility of this after all these years and everything we've been through."

"Do you want my real honest opinion?" Clarke asked.

"Absolutely. You've been there for most of this rollercoaster ride. Give it to me."

She took a deep breath and tried to take the time to figure out the best way to say what she wanted to say, "I think that you and Rafael are going to end up together and I think you two will be very happy, but not right now. You and Rafi are always so caught up in one another that you two have neglected to see that there was very real collateral damage to all of your issues and your eventual ending. You need to deal with that. You need to make significant progress healing those wounds before you try again with Rafael. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Don't just dive in with him again. Take it slow. I know you know how to love him, but you don't know how to have a healthy relationship with him. You lose yourself in loving him. Learn to do that while still allowing yourself to have a life outside of him."

Silence occupied the room before River replied to her cousin's advice, "You're right."

The bartender nodded and then added. "Also, go see your sister. BEFORE you go talk to Rafi about what I said. Not after."

"I'll go straight there when I leave here."

Clarke offered her hand with her pinky outstretched before asking, "Promise?" 

River shook her head at the fact that as old as they were, pinky promises were still the way they sealed most deals before locking her pinky with her cousin's, "Promise."


	12. Young God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> River finally has it out with her sister.

 

  
_Oh, baby girl don't get cut on my edges._  
_I'm the king of everything and oh, my tongue is a weapon_

 

* * *

  
River knocked on the door to her sister's apartment and waited for her to answer. After a few minutes, Lucas opened the door.

"Sorry about the wait. Your sister is on a call with her boss right now so I doubt she even heard you knock and I was in the shower," he explained as he stepped to the side and motioned for her to come in.

"That would explain why every hair isn't in place and every article of clothing carefully placed like it normally is," she teased.

Her sister's fiancé laughed, "Hard to believe, but your sister and I are mere mortals. We're not perfect 100 percent of the time. Just about 98."

The detective chuckled as she followed him into the living room, "Don't let Andrea hear you admitting to that. She's got a reputation to uphold."

"River, your sister and I have spoken about you, in great length, several times over the past two years. I know your relationship with her has been strained for years and I don't know your side of it all so I won't try to give you any advice, but I will ask you for a small favor," Lucas said as River sat on the couch.

"And that would be?" River asked as she crossed her arms.

"Remember that she loves you. I know you haven't always felt it, but she cares about you a great deal." When the younger woman started to refute that statement, he cut her off, "Kind of how I imagine you love her even if you haven't always done the best job of showing it."

River shook her head, "She's lucky to have you."

The doctor shook his head, "No, I'm the one who's lucky to have her."

Before she could speak, Andrea came around the corner, "Sorry about that. An appeal was granted for a perp and the boss is not happy."

"One of your old cases?" River inquired.

"No. However, the ADA that handled it was fired a little over a year ago because he was incompetent. The higher ups are worried that this appeal is going to open the floodgates," she explained as she plopped down onto the loveseat that sat to the left side of the couch.

"Well, ladies, I'm going to leave you two to your discussion." He leaned over the loveseat and kissed his fiancée on the cheek, "I'm going to my Mom's. Just let me know when it's safe for me to return. I can pick dinner up on the way back."

"Will do. I love you."

"I love you too. River, always good to see you." Lucas bid as he walked out of the apartment.

As the door closed, the two sisters sat in awkward silence. After a few moments, River finally spoke, "Before we get into any of this, I need to apologize. No matter the outcome of this whole thing, I need you to know that I was wrong for what I did at your party and I fully accept and understand your anger about it. I was upset and I was hurt, but I should not have behaved that way. It was beneath me and I know that it caused you and Lucas embarrassment with each of your sets of colleagues. Neither of you deserved that."

Andrea blinked in surprise, "I definitely wasn't expecting that to be your opening statement."

"I told you," the younger woman shrugged, "Boston caused me to grow up. Granted, I haven't done the best job of showing that."

"No, you haven't." Andrea sighed once she realized how harsh that had sounded and added, "But, I haven't done the best job of allowing you to show me. I've been treating you the way I always have and that's not helping the situation."

River nodded, "This is awkward so I'm just going to jump into it. Clarke said that she talked to you and that what you said made some sense. I love you, Andrea, and so I'm going to ask you what I've wanted to know for years. What do you want from me? Because everything I've tried hasn't been good enough."

The lawyer leaned back in her chair, "I want you to be my sister."

"No offense, An, but I'm not the one who constantly drives a wedge between us! You never really liked me and when I got with Rafael, you started to basically hate me. I've tried to be your sister and you've constantly shown me that you couldn't be bothered to have a real relationship with me," River argued.

"Have you? Really tried?" Andrea questioned.  "I know that we weren't close growing up. I was embarrassed of where we came from. Of you and Mom and I was angry that dad left even though Poppa Don is the best father we could have ever asked for, but I was also a kid. I grew up. When you graduated high school and didn't know what you wanted to do and started hanging with the wrong people, Mom and Poppa Don didn't come up with the idea to send you to Cambridge. I  _asked_ them to. I asked because it would get you away from that crowd and give us a chance to become closer since it'd just be us. You were there for one whole week before you latched onto Rafael. You and I never had a chance to repair our relationship because you were too busy running around after Rafi as if he alone was responsible for hanging the moon and sun. It didn't change in all the years you two were together and then you left. You decided you didn't want him anymore and that's fine, but you left in a way that made it clear that he was the only thing keeping you here. Mom and I were just afterthoughts. Now, you've come back and it's the _exact same thing_ , River. Only this time, you aren't even with the man. It's a good thing Lucas has sisters because now I'm finally able to know what it really means to have one." She paused her rant long enough to realize that River had started crying, "And this is why I never wanted to talk about it. You always seemed perfectly fine with the way our relationship was because the only one that mattered was your relationship with him."

The detective wiped her eyes, "I'm not okay with how it is. I just never knew how to fix it. I'm so sorry that I made you and Mom feel that way. My leaving wasn't about Rafi. I left for me. I didn't know who I was without him, but I knew that I needed to figure it out. I also knew that I couldn't do it here. I should have sat down with you and Mom and explained that. Made sure that you two understood that, but I didn't and I'm so sorry."

Her older sister moved to sit beside her and brushed a few tears from River's face, "I'm sorry too. Clarke and I had a long talk about my relationship with you. She pointed out to me that even though I have valid points and hurts, it still doesn't mean that my treatment of you over the years has been fair or kind. I see how Lucas' sisters are and I want that. I actually have that with them and that's nice. But I really want that with you."

"Me too," she agreed as she leaned her head on her sister's shoulder.

The pair sat in silence before Andrea spoke up, "I know we're treading on thin ice, but can I ask you a favor?"

"Of course."

The lawyer hesitated before working up the courage to ask, "You and Rafael are inevitable. As angry  and as hurt as some of your choices and actions regarding him have  made me, I would be a fool not to know that you two belong together. I'm not going to ask you to choose between me and him. I'm asking that, right now, you concentrate on your relationship with me and Mom. You spent so much time making your life with him the ultimate priority and I know the moment you two get back together, that's where all your time and attention will be." River removed her head from her sister's shoulder and turned to look at her. Andrea continued, "That's not a judgment, Riv. You two have some heavy duty issues to address and, even though I acted like I haven't seen it, you have grown during your time in Boston. There's going to be growing pains as you deal with the issues that were unresolved before you left as well as having to get to know the people you've become over the past five years. I understand that is going to take up a lot of your time and I accept that. I just ask that you put in some work with me and Mom first. I think we deserve that."

River nodded, "You're right. I owe that to the both of you and if Rafi can't understand that, then he hasn't grown into the man that I can spend the rest of my life with." She paused before continuing, "Andrea, I'm going to say something that I haven't said in a very long time."

Sensing some nervousness on her sister's part, Andrea grabbed her hands, "Okay."

River cleared her throat and looked her sister in the eye, "I love you. I love you and I am proud to be able to call you my sister."

"Oh, Riv." Andrea pulled her sister into a hug, "I love you too."

They held the hug for a few beats before releasing each other. River wiped her face, "Enough with the mushy stuff. Let's crack open a bottle of wine and watch the really terribad reality tv that we both like to pretend that we are way too enlightened to watch. Let Lucas spend a few hours with his mom."

Andrea stood and as she headed to the kitchen, she shared, "I've got popcorn too."

"Even better!" River exclaimed.

As her sister fluttered around the kitchen preparing their wine as she popped their popcorn, River pulled out her phone and sent a text to Barba.

_"Can we meet up tomorrow for dinner? The usual place at 7? We need to talk."_

He sent her a text back almost immediately confirming that he was willing. Instead of responding, River put her phone back in her pocket just as her sister sat a glass of wine right in front of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter left after this! I'm considering a sequel, but I'm not sure if people would want one. Let me know what you think?


	13. Is There Somewhere?

_I'm trying not to let it show, that I don't want to let this go._

_Is there somewhere you can meet me?_

_'Cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings._

_And you clutched my brain and eased my ailing._

　

* * *

 

River felt a presence behind her and turned to find Barba standing there, "Hey."

Rafael shook his head when she motioned for him to sit and put his hands in his pocket, "Hey."

"This is awkward," River observed as a bit of nervous laughter escaped her lips. "I don't like being awkward around you."

"That makes two of us," Barba replied, "You asked me here to say something. Something important. Just go for it."

"Always to the point, Rafi." River ran a hand through her curls and sighed before she continued, "I'm not angry anymore, but I can't do this with you, Rafi. I need to concentrate on mending my relationship with my Mom and Andrea."

"Your mother, I understand." He cocked his head, "But Andrea?"

She couldn't help but laugh at that, "I don't blame you, but I sat down with her. For the first time in years, we had a real conversation. She feels like I stopped trying to be a sister to her when I got with you because I was so caught up in making it work with you and being the woman you needed me to be." The detective leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, "She's right and, believe me, it pains my entire being to admit that. The years I spent in Boston were about getting to know me. I need to take the time to let them know this new me and to get to really know them."

Barba nodded and a few beats passed before he asked, "Just for clarification, you're not saying that there won't ever be an 'us'? Just that it's not going to happen right now."

River closed her eyes and tried to keep her tears at bay, "I don't want you waiting for me, Rafael."

"I won't." He finally sat in the chair beside her. Barba gently grasped her chin and guided her to look him in the eyes, "I'll live my life, mi tesoro, and I'll date or sleep with whomever I please. I just want to know whether or not there is a possibility that once you get your relationship with you mother and Andrea sorted, you'll take the time to try and rebuild us. You don't need to explain or justify any of that. Just a yes or no."

A few tears escaped and she briskly wiped them as she murmured, "Yes."

Rafael leaned forward and kissed her on her forehead, "Anything else?"

She nodded and wiped her eyes, "One other thing. Detective Rollins gets back from maternity leave in two weeks. Lt. Benson offered me a permanent spot on the squad. She's gonna keep me partnered with Sonny and pair her with Fin."

"Did you accept?"

"I asked her to give me the weekend to think about it," she answered.

He leaned back in his chair, putting some space between the two of them, "Why?"

"Because I wanted to see if that was okay with you." Barba began to speak but River held up a hand to stop him, "If my conversation with Andrea taught me anything, it's that I can be oblivious to people's feelings. We've hurt each other a lot over the years. This is your precinct. Your people. So you don't have to explain or justify anything. Just a go for it or turn it down."

Not missing a beat, Barba replied, "Go for it."

"Are you sure? Rafi, I don't want you to say that you're okay with it because it's the 'right' thing to do. I want to make sure th-"

Rafael cut her off, "Go for it. This stays between me and you, but Liv asked me if it was okay to offer you a permanent position so, she wouldn't have asked you to stay if I hadn't okayed it. I love you and I know that you love me. As much as it also pains me to admit it, Andrea's right. We get so wrapped up in each other that the only thing that makes us come up for air is work. That's not healthy. Not for me, you, or the people in our lives that care about us. I don't want us to do the same thing we've always done because this is where we end up when we do." Barba stood, "So, instead of steamrolling over what you want. Instead of trying to bend you to my will. I'm going to respect your choices. Make things better with Amaya and Andrea. Prove to Liv that you're an even better detective than she already thinks you are. Bring me perps and I'll make sure that our victims get their justice. You won't have to worry about any petty arguments or office awkwardness from me. If I can't love you as a lover, then I'll love you as a friend. And if you change your mind, I'm open to that too."

The detective smiled, "Did you just quote a La Dispute song to me?"

"What can I say? Some of your crappy music managed to stick with me over the years," Barba quipped.

River shook her head, "My taste in music is golden."

"It's impressive how you can say that with a straight face while knowing you own every Britney Spears album," the older lawyer laughed.

"Including the one she just released a few days ago!" River laughed as she pulled out her phone which had her headphones wrapped around it, "You have to listen to it. It is so good!"

Rafael watched her as she unwound the headphones and started to scroll through her music library on her phone. This was the most at ease she had been around him since he'd walked in to find her sitting at Rollins' desk months prior. He felt the weight he had been carrying ever since she had kicked him out of her apartment finally lift off his shoulders. As she extended an earpiece to him and he could hear the music before he put it in his ear, he couldn't help but smile at her singing along to every word and bopping along to the beat.

They weren't exactly where he wanted their relationship to be, but they were okay and, for now, that was enough.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry readers! This isn't the end of River and Barba's story. I should have the sequel up in a few days. The first chapter is outlined, but not fully written so be on the look out for it!


End file.
